Journey Of A Fart

‘Just do it’ I said to myself but can’t. You can’t just fart around your friends, right? — the unwritten universal rules of suavity — despite it being the most innate thing to do, something that’s ok if done in seclusion but gets problematic when done in public like a good husband beating his wife. But why? I ask myself, What are you afraid of Aseem? People’s judgment? They are going to judge you anyway. I know all that but still I can’t do it I can’t — despite reading hundreds of self-help books telling me to not give fuck about what people think — make myself fart although my body is craving for it like a horny virgin teenager craves sex. I have been holding it inside for the past 2 hours since I got here at my friend’s place. It’s hurting my abdomen now I can feel the fart in my bones like my mom’s words when she caught me once making out with my girlfriend in my room. My body is shivering like I am on drugs which I am trying to control not the drugs but the shivering I don’t do drugs anyway, so nobody notices. I can feel the sweat on my forehead despite the ceiling fan just over my head I wipe it with my arm. I am too embarrassed to go to the washroom.

I am trying to think about something to think about to not think about farts but imagination is like erection it just isn’t in your control. I am just wondering what if farts didn’t stink? What if instead of stench they had fragrance? How cool that would have been? Instead of embarrassment you would have felt confident farting, something done for people’s good something to be proud of like colonization by white people, something that you could have done around your crush to impress them with your chocolaty-smelling fart. It truly would have been a life savior to me cause my tuition teacher Nisar sir a.k.a Sir Nisar what he likes to be called a.k.a Mr. Fart Man what his students like to call him farts with frequency of 10 farts per sec I am not even kidding he never stops never ever he never has he doesn’t even know what stop means his wife says him to cease when she isn’t in the mood he is the biggest example of what it means to be consistent of what it takes to be a Fart Man.

No way no no no no noooo ‘ssssshhh’ the sound from the tremors of butthole the sound you feel not hear. It came out making my body relax and my mind tense at the same time. I can smell it smells like human feces being cooked with chilies. I am not a fart expert but I think the intensity of the fart is directly proportional to the amount of time you hold it inside. I wanna cover my face cause the smell is just too strong to handle but I don’t wanna be the first one to do it. I am looking towards my other friends with wide-open eyes who are doing the same, like just by looking the mystery of ‘who did this?’ will be solved. I like this ambiguity this candor-confidentiality of farts the only likable thing I must clarify to me of them. “You fuckers” says my friend sitting beside me. He stands up and opens the windows. I cover my nose with my hand and cuss my friends for farting all the time.

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